Phantom of the Opera parodies!
by Captain Clown
Summary: Have you ever thought of merging POTO into other musicals? This is what would happen if you did!
1. Fopular!

**Alright, for those of you familiar with the musical "Wicked", I have noticed that Erik and Elphaba have a lot in common. For some odd reason though, while I was listening to "Popular", I had an idea of Raoul singing that song to Erik. As a result, I have written the spoof, "Fopular"**. **Raoul lovers, please do not kill me! I based this off of 2004 movie Raoul, and Kay Erik. (I don't like Gerik, he is a poopyhead) Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: Some of the lyrics are from the musical "Wicked" and are not mine. I also do not own Erik or Raoul.**

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**Fopular**

Raoul: Erik, now that we're friends, I've decided to make you my new project!

Erik: Since when are we friends?... I mean, you really don't have to do that.

Raoul: I know, but that's what makes me so nice! (Starts singing)

_Whenever I see someone less fortunate than I,  
and let's face it, who isn't, less fortunate than I?  
My tender heart tends to start to bleed.  
And when someone needs a makeover,  
I simply have to takeover!  
I know, I know, exactly what they need...  
And even in your case,  
though you have a really fugly face..._

Erik: grrr...

Raoul: _Don't worry! I'm determined to succeed!  
Follow my lead!  
And yes indeed... you... will... be..._

_Fopular! You're gonna be fopuUlar!  
I'll give you the proper curls,  
that you can show off to girls,  
little ways to flirt and flounce! OOO!  
I'll show you what base to wear,  
how to flip your hair,  
everything that really counts to be fopular.  
I'll help you be fopuUlar!  
That silly punjab, is oh so drab,  
you really had to know!  
So let's start cuz you have an awfully long way to go!_

Erik: (is scared)

Raoul_: Don't be afraid of my fop analysis,  
think of it as fopinality dialisis!  
Now that I've chosen to become a pal a brother,  
and an adviser,  
there's nobody wiser,  
not when it comes to fopular.  
I know about fopuUlar!  
And with an assist from me,  
to be who you'll be,  
instead of dreary who you were..._

Erik: are.

Raoul: _There's nothing that can stop you,  
from becoming fopuler... lar..._

_Laa laaaaa! LaaAa Laaaa!  
I'm gonna make you fopular!_

_When I see you miserable creature,  
with your not possesing feature,  
I remind you on your own you have to think of,  
celebrated vicomtes of staters,  
that had minds of mashed potaters.  
Did they have brains or knowledge?  
Don't make me laugh!_

_They were fopular!  
Dude, it's all about fopuUlar!  
It's not about aptitude,  
it's the way you're viewed,  
so it's very shrewd to be,  
very very fopular like me._

(Speaking) Why, Mr. Phantom, look at you... you're gorgeous! (hands Erik a handheld mirror)

Erik: (sees his fopalicious reflection) _WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?_ (runs into a bathroom to get himself back to normal)

Raoul: (smiles) _You're welcome!  
(singing again) And though you protest, your disinterest,  
I know you'll be happy...  
You're gonna grin and bare it, you're new found fopularity_!  
(squees)  
_Laaaa Laaaa LaaAa Laaaaa!  
You are fopular,  
just not quite as fopular, as meeeeeee!_ (does hair flip)


	2. Christine

**Thanks for the reviews guys! Here's another song for your enjoyment. This song goes to the tune of "Belle" from Beauty and the Beast. Hope you like it!**

**Oh, just to let you know:**  
Regular font means speaking_  
__Italicized means singing_

**Disclaimer: Beauty and the Beast is owned by Disney and the original lyrics and tune belong to Alan Menken.**

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Christine**

Christine: _Dressing room, in a big opera house.__  
__Everyday, like the one before.__  
__Dressing room, full of gossiping ballet rats,__  
__Pointing at each other to say…_

Ballet Girl: _You whore!_  
Meg: _You like him?_  
Ballet Girl 2: _I never did!_  
Ballet Girl 3: _Yeah sure!_

Christine: _There is Piangi eating stuff like always.__  
__He's always got new foods to eat.__  
__Everyday is just the same,__  
__when you're playing the phantom's game,__  
__in this big old opera house…_

Andre: Good morning Christine!

Christine: Bonjour messieur Andre! I just heard the most wonderful opera recently! It's about this girl named Amnita and this man Don Juan and..

Andre: (cutting her off) That's nice. Mme. Giry! Hurry up with those letters! Right now please!

Christine: (shrugs and walks away)

Guys in Opera House: _Look there she goes, that chick is so friggin hot!__  
__She can't be much past seventeen!_  
Ballet Girls: _But she's rarely ever loud,_  
Mme. Giry: _she has her head up in the clouds._  
Everyone: _No one can understand that girl Christine!_

Joseph Buquet: _Bonjour!_  
Firmin: _Good day!_  
Joseph Buquet:_ How is the junk biz?_

Andre: Scrap metal, actually...

Meg: _Bonjour! _  
Monsieur Reyer: (staring at her boobs)_ Good day..._  
Meg: _How is your wife? _(walks away)  
Reyer's wife: (comes up from behind and slaps Reyer)  
Carlotta: _I wanta a new pooch! _  
Piangi:_ That's too expensive!_  
Christine: _I want much more than this chorus girl life!_

People in the Opera House: _Look there she goes, that girl is so peculiar.__  
__She's not the same if you know what we mean._  
_In the distance she always stares,__  
__like she doesn't really care.__  
__There's no way to describe that girl Christine!_

Christine: _Oh! Isn't this mysterious?__  
__It's a rose with a black ribbon sent to me!__  
__It must be from my angel!_  
Erik: (from behind the mirror) _But she won't discover that it's me, until scene three!_

Ballet Girls: _Now it's no wonder that every guy adores her,__  
__she's got the most flawless looks we've seen!__  
__Guys look at her everyday,__  
__we think that's really gay.__  
__We envy that silly weird girl,_  
Everybody: _that really weird and silly girl,__  
__that pretty but different girl Christine!_

(We now see Raoul in a dressing room putting on base (aka makeup) and he turns around to Nadir.)

Nadir: Wow! You didn't miss a spot Raoul! You're the greatest makeup artist in the world!

Raoul: (starts walking out of the dressing room with Nadir following) I know.

Nadir: No fop in the world stands a chance against you! And no girl for that matter.

Raoul: It's true Nadir, and I've got my sights set on that one! (points to Christine)

Nadir: The Swedish Musicians daughter?

Raoul: She's the one! The lucky girl I'm going to marry! The most beautiful girl in the Opera House, and that makes her the best! And don't I deserve the best?

Nadir: Yeah but-

Raoul: (cutting him off) _Right from the moment that I met her, saw her,__  
__I got her scarf out of the sea! _  
_Here in this place there's only she,__  
__who is as beautiful as me,__  
__so I'm making all the plans to marry Christine! _(walks off to follow Christine)

Ballet Girls: _Look there he goes!__  
__Isn't he foppy?__  
__Monsieur Raoul,__  
__oh he's so cute! _  
(clutching their chests) _Be still, our hearts,__  
__we're hardly breathing!__  
__He's such a white, pale, skinny, handsome fop! _

(people are talking and they're all in Raoul's way)

Raoul: _Please let me through!_

(Everyone is sitll talking and ignoring Raoul)

Christine: _There must be more than this old opera life!_  
Raoul: _I'll get my way and Christine'll be my wife! _

People: (blocking Raoul's way) _Look there she goes, she's heading to rehearsal!__  
__She'll be the lead in the new play it seems!__  
__She took Carlotta's place,_  
(points to Carlotta) _she has a pissy face,__  
__Good going for that chorus girl,__  
__that wierd and silly chorus girl,__  
__she saved our ears that chorus girl... Christine! _


	3. Raoul

**Thanks so much for the reviews! This song took me _forever _to write because of all the rhyming! GAH! This goes to the tune of "Gaston" from Beauty and the Beast.**

**Disclaimer: Beauty and the Beast is owned by Disney and the original lyrics and tune belong to Alan Menken blah blah blabbity blah...  
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**Raoul**

(Camera zooms in on a bar in the opera house filled with many fops, ballet girls and Nadir. Raoul is upset, because he has been rejected by Christine. Nadir is trying to comfort him)

Raoul: Who does that chick think she is? Christine has tangled with the wrong man! _No one_ says no to Raoul!

Nadir: Damn straight!

Raoul: (groans) Dismissed, rejected, absolutely humiliated! Why it's more that I can whine about!

Nadir: More wine?

Raoul: What for? Nothing helps…. I'm a disgrace!

Nadir: Who you? _Never! _Raoul, you have got to pull yourself together! (starts singing)

Gosh it disturbs me to see you vicomte,  
looking so totally stressed.  
Every fop here wants to be you vicomte!  
You are just simply the best!  
There's no fop in Paris admired like you!  
You're every fops favorite guy!

Erik: (from in the walls coughing mockingly) Girl…

Nadir: Every fop's awed and inspired by you  
and I promise it isn't a big lie!

No… one….. skips like Raoul,  
does hair flips like Raoul,  
no one puts cherry lip gloss on lips like Raoul!  
For there's no man in town half as foppy,  
stupid but not a moron!  
You can ask any Fabio or Percy,  
and they'll tell you whose design team they want to be on!

Fops: No... one... wears hairpins like Raoul,  
has fair skin like Raoul,   
no one's got a small cleft in their chin like Raoul!

Raoul: As a hot guy I am so intoxicating!

Erik: (from behind wall) No you're not.

Fops: Oh what a fop that Vicomte!

Give five "huzzahs!" and twelve hairflips!

Nadir: Raoul is the best and the rest is all drips!

Fops: No... one... shoots guns bad like Raoul,  
girlishly runs like Raoul,

Angel (from Rent): No one has incredibly hot buns like Raoul!

Ballet Girls: You can see that he's not really brawny,

Raoul: As you see I have no biceps to spare.

Nadir: Every bit of him's scraggly and scrawny.

Raoul: That's right! But what I lack in muscle I makeup with hair!

Fops: No one girly hits like Raoul,  
has rose scented armpits like Raoul,

Nadir: No one puts Erik out of his wits like Raoul!

Raoul: I'm especially good at pissing Erik off!

Fops: Oh what a fop, that vicomte!

Raoul: When I was a lad I had 12 dozen shirts in my closet as big as a house.  
But now that I'm grown I have 20 dozen shirts which includes my frilly white blouse!

Fops: No... one... is nosy like Raoul,  
is a posy like Raoul,

Nadir: Dresses up little dollies named Rosie like Raoul!

Raoul: I use ponies in all of my decorating!

Fops: Say it again!  
Who's the foppiest of men?  
And let's say it once more,  
who's that fop we adore?  
Who is simply the best?  
Don't you know?  
Can't you guess?  
Who's that guy that makes us all drool?

There's just one fop we find,  
that we have on our mind!

Raoul: And my name's R-a-u... ummm... -o... R-a-u - u... R-a-u-w- o...? (groans) oh...

Everybody: RAOOOOOOOOOUL!


	4. Be My Pests

**Okay, as you can probably tell, I have had Beauty and the Beast songs stuck in my head. POTO and BATB just blend! lol. Anywho, you know all the disclaimer mumbo jumbo. I want to thank all the reviewers, if not for you, I would not continue to write these. Love ya!**

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Be My Pests**

(You know the story. Erik loves Christine. Raoul loves Christine. Erik gets jealous of Raoul, hence resulting in mass pandemonium.

Erik has kidnapped Christine and taken her to his lair. Of course, Raoul being the nobleman he is, has decided to go rescue her, with the help of Nadir! Little did they know they would fall into Erik's devious torture chamber. Christine watches in horror as Erik acts maliciously snarky and utterly sarcastic towards his… guests.)

**Erik:** Vicomte and Daroga; it is with deepest pride and greatest pleasure that I welcome you here tonight. And now, I invite you to relax, not despair, as my torture chamber proudly presents…. _your death. _(smirks evilly)

_Be… my… pests.  
Be my pests.  
Put my sanity to the test!  
Tie a Punjab around your necks monsieurs,  
and I'll provide the rest!_

_Torturie!  
Iron tree!_  
(waves mockingly) _Au revoir mon amis!  
Try the gunpowder, it's delicious!  
Though I can't say it's nutricious._

_You will scream,  
wet your pants,  
after all men, this is France!  
And the torture here is never second best!  
Go on and cower in fear  
as you enjoy your stay here  
as my pests,  
oui, my pests,  
be my pests!_

_Oh you fools  
you will pay,  
as the heat makes you into soufflés!  
I will kill you with such flair  
and kick your little derrières!_

_You're not alone,  
but you're scared  
and your death is all prepared!  
Be all gloomy and complaining  
while I'm out here entertaining!_

_Morbid jokes!-  
and a trick  
with my skills in weird magic!  
Your brains will be jumbled into a mess!  
Now go and bang on the glass,  
it will kick your ass!  
Be my pests!  
If your stressed, I don't really give a rat's nest!  
Be my pests!  
Be my pests!  
Be my pests!_

(Looks into the torture chamber, acting as if he is depressed._) Life is not so thrilling,  
when there's a phantom who's not killing.  
He's not whole without a soul to prey upon._

(sighs)_ Ah, those good old days back in Persia…  
Suddenly those good old days are gone._  
(glares at Raoul)_For awhile I've hated this fop, who's hair is like a mop!  
I've wanted exercise, a chance to use my skills!_

_I thought it would end with the chandelier…  
I have been so lazy,_  
(goes back to his sarcastic ways)_but you walked in and oopsy daisy!_

**Christine:** (worrying and crying her little eyes out) _They're his "pests"!  
They're his" pests"!  
They are not really blessed.  
It's a war,  
oh dear lord!  
For all we know I could be next!_

_Why on Earth  
would he want me?  
I am only age twenty!  
What in God's name is he doing?-  
Raoul and the turban guy are brewing!_

_They'll get warm  
they'll get hot!  
For heaven's sakes kill them not!  
You are making me so utterly depressed!_  
(pleads with Erik)_I'll go away with you!  
Have a kid or two!  
Just free your "pests"!_

**Random Chorus:** _They're his pests!_

**Christine:**_Free the "pests"!_

**Random Chorus:** **_They're his pests!_**  
_They're his pests!  
They're his pests!  
Even if they try to protest!  
All he wanted was Christine,  
and Jesus Christ he was obsessed!_

_The fop came  
with Nadir  
to end the angel's little fear!  
While the candlelight's still glowing  
Erik's torture will keep going!_

**Erik (accompanied by random chorus):** (Erik appears with fedora on with his pimp cane of doom) _Kill… by… kill!  
one by one!  
You can shout  
but I'm not done!  
I bet you are sick and tired of my little jests!  
Go ahead and die!  
You won't make me cry!  
You're my pests!  
You're my pests!  
You're my pests!  
Please die…my… PESTS!_


	5. Mazanderan Nights

**I take it all of you are familiar with the movie "Aladdin"... XD This song goes to the tune of "Arabian Nights". YAY DAROGA!**

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**Mazanderan Nights**

(The night is dark and young; Nadir rides through the desert atop his faithful camel.)

Nadir: _Oh I come from a land from a far away place  
where Persians in turbans roam;  
Where they cut off your balls and stick it in jars,  
it's barbaric, but hey, it's home!_

_Well the Khanum's a bitch  
and the Shah is a brat  
and the Angel of Doom wins fights.  
Come on down, stop on by,  
hop a camel and ride  
to another Mazanderan Night!_

_Mazanderan NIIIIIIIiiiiIIIiiiGHTS,  
like Mazanderan DAAAAAAAAaaaays!  
Erik got drugs from I  
made him higher than high,  
put his mind in a haaaaaze!  
Mazanderan NIIIIIIIiiiiIIIiiiGHTS,  
'neath Mazanderan MOOOOOooooOOooons!  
A fool off his guard  
could get punjabbed hard  
out there on the duuuuuunes…_


End file.
